If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
