This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
