Where did you get a picture of my penis
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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