Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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