haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
