And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
