My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
