he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
