tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
