i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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