i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
