He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sober January is a disaster.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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