how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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