shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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