Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
