Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
