I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
