I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
