That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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