There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
