my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
