if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
