i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm too high and old for this...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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