I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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