The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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