btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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