She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
