I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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