I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
