Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
