I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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