I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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