I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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