oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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