you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
