I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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