You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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