Me. At least after what I've been through.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
