he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
