connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
