I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In other news, I just burned my penis
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
