So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
