Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
