Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
