I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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