i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
