We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
