Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
