I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
