My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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