My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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