This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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