I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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