I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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