Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
