I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
