I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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