dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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